I love to serve others. I love taking meals around to a friend who’s just had a baby or is ill. I love tidying the house thinking how happy it will make my husband when he gets home (not in a 1950s way, but in a, “I know my husband loves a tidy house so although it doesn’t bother me, I’ll clear as much as I can for his sake”). I love being involved in church activities, whether by holding a house group in our lounge, or teaching in Sunday School, or giving a lift to church on Sunday.
These things bring me joy, especially as I know I am fulfilling the Lord Jesus’ command to love him and others.
But yesterday I hit a wall. It’s been looming for weeks, months even. I’ve been struggling to maintain the level of service that I’m used to. I’m tired all the time, depressed, can’t sleep, cry easily, get angered easily, and yesterday I phoned my mum in desperation because I knew I could not have the kids at home all day. My arms and legs were aching and wobbly, as if I had flu, but I’m not ill. My head ached. I couldn’t talk, couldn’t listen, and got furious when my daughter wouldn’t put her shoes on.
I’ve reached burnout.
I’ve done it before, perhaps not to this extent. Being highly sensitive means I’m generally overloaded just by an ordinary day, but Son#1 has been so awful recently and my daughter has reached the age of 3 (which has always been far harder than 2 in my opinion); my husband has had multiple health issues for two years, and at one point was rendered helpless by a back injury – leaving me to pick up all the child care and housework for a good 2-3 months.
On top of all this we were trying to serve our church, my husband as a deacon and music leader, myself running the creche and just trying to serve individuals who needed help, while hosting a home group, a seekers Bible study for women, and also trying to find help for Son#1.
I’ve been telling people for months that I’m struggling. I found a counsellor, tried to find someone in church who would pray with me or us regularly (failed).
I’ve been trying to give up different things, looking for someone else to take the creche off my hands, but in the end found there was nothing really that could be surrendered.
I’ve been telling myself what I’ve heard from others that actually we struggle when we are depending on ourselves, not Jesus, but when I tried to pray I would just end up sobbing and pleading for help, and telling Jesus all the things that were too hard to carry. Hardly constructive communication.
I felt like I was trying to stop a gigantic snowball that was racing down a hill, gathering up more and more Things To Do as it went.
We’ve agreed, husband and I, to take November off (as far as possible). We’ve arranged it so we’re not on any rotas for two full weeks, and we’re going to worship at other churches for those weeks, so that we can just be together in God’s presence as a family, as a couple. (Normally I’m strongly against ‘church hopping’, but desperate times call for desperate measures).
We’re also intending to take a couple of days together, one to go Christmas shopping – we did it last year and had a really good day together. The other day we want to spend a lot of time praying, stripping ourselves back and rededicating ourselves to Jesus.
Because here’s what I’ve realised. That snowball didn’t start rolling by accident. I packed it heavy at the top of the slope, picking up service here and rotas there. And trying to pry them off again was difficult.
Partly because our church is small, and there are not many local people to serve.
But mostly because I love people to see me serving. I want people in my church to admire me. I want people to hold me up as an example of a Christian woman. I want people to see my heart for God, and know that I love Jesus deeply.
Ugh. I’m very sick of myself right now. Very tired of my sinful heart that hides and sneaks and betrays me, even when I think I’m being ‘good’.
So I’m hoping this month to strip back my pride, my desires for admiration, my desire to be noticed. I want to get back to that pure heart, the one desire, the one thing that matters. I want to put down my serving tray, and with it my heavy, burdensome desire to be noticed, and I’m going to accept the humble service that nobody sees.
I’m going to remember that the only person who matters sees everything, and is made glad. He noticed the widow giving everything she had, when everyone else thought she was being cheap. He noticed Mary sitting at his feet, when Martha thought she was being lazy. He notices me, he knows my physical limitations and my desire to please him. He also knows my desire to please others, but he came to remove burdens and he loves me anyway.
He loves you too. He sees you too. Let it be enough.